My "Dream Job" destroyed my life.
#1
Hi Everyone,

I have a degree in Game Art and Design.  The path to this degree was extremely rocky... but somehow I've managed to get a few paid opportunities to provide art (mostly 2D) for small games.

Last May I was somewhat unexpectedly offered my "dream job."  I was contacted by a startup who needed character art for a large-scale fantasy-rpg-inspired web browser game.  I was soooooo excited.  Finally all my college struggles were going to pay off and I could FINALLY feel validated!   I would be mostly working from home, as the other people involved were living in other states.  The core premise for the game is a really good idea, the guy running the start up was really excited to have me on, and he told me multiple times that I could see this game as "my baby", making clear implications I could be involved in it's core design.

When I started there were 4 people on this team.  My boss, my boss's friend as lead programmer, a student programmer, and myself as "Lead Artist".    I started off doing the logo and some odds and ends to get a webpage going for the game.  My boss (an "entrepreneur", not an artist) would Skype me daily to check in on my progress, usually only for a few minutes of a screen share.   The lead programmer and the student worked together pretty closely throughout the day from what I could see, but I didn't interact with the programmers much.  There were never any meetings or discussions with all 4 of us, and no emphasis on collaboration between either department.

The job pretty quickly went south; I was asked to do a lot of web-layout stuff, which I struggled with quite a bit, so I was eventually moved to doing a bunch of small assets for a Kickstarter campaign.   As the work progressed I was seeing more and more problems with the core structure of the game; unfleshed-out ideas, things that just didn't make sense for game-play, unstructured systems that would require potentially years of work and practically unlimited content, stuff that was totally out of scope for a team of 4, for 1 artist.   

The main thing I was hired for was to build a 2D character generator that could create a large volume of characters (500+, and counting to this day, I think its 700+ now?).  I needed a some structure and limitations in order for this to be feasible.  I spent some extra time one weekend and put a pitch to clear up the lore and propose that each faction (2) should have a set amount of clearly defined races (5).  My pitch was a bit of unique twist on classic fantasy races, and the 10 total races I chose were clearly distinct humanoids that individually would all be about equal in terms of power. Previously my boss had staple fantasy races (Elves, Dwarves, etc) mixed with ideas varying as widely as "Spider" to "Giant" to "Undead Horse".  A great number of things he wanted to include could not even be technically considered "races".  I attempted to consolidate some of these into the races I chose in my pitch.  I felt this new lore would put a much needed limit on the potential different characters and combinations I'd need to create, a limit on the possible permutations the programmers would need to code for, and create a compelling lore story that made the world and structure of the game believable and unique.

He said he thought the lore twist was interesting, but couldn't make the creative leap to make it work for him.  He liked some of my other ideas, and some of the races, but none of the things that were important in the much-needed structuring the game.  He was unwilling to set any limits on the races.  So it was basically "yeah great, go with that idea just minus all the important parts that made it actually work".

A lot of the time I was just told not to worry about that stuff until it came up, that we're using SCRUM methodology and planning wasn't important.  This didnt work for me: I'm used to concept design, I'm good at GDD documents and planning, I believe games need structure and clear goals.   I needed structure and clear goals, and I wasn't getting any of that.  I saw so many glaring problems in the future if the game's structure wasn't defined and the scope wasn't reigned in.

After the kickstarter campaign failed in October my boss started contacting me less and less.  The student programmer was "let go".  They were starting a closed alpha instead.  Contact and workload kind of trailed off and it seems like this project has taken a backburner for my boss, but I cant tell with so little contact.

I've started having to initiate conversation with him, and we started butting heads a little when I tried to express my concerns with scope.   I've tried to offer what I felt we're reasonable compromises to problems I was having with the scope (like, after 13 classes we're added to the game one week based on "community feedback", I suggested we just pick 5 or 6 I could focus for now: not acceptable).  My ideas and suggestions we're talked around or shot down every time. I was told not to worry so much about the future implications, or to do just do it the same way I did it last time (after my first race template, which at the time was more of a proof-of-concept).  I left most of these conversations feeling defeated and depressed.  Currently I'm in the process of making character templates.  The number of races needed right now has been narrowed to 7, 2 of them are done, and 2 of them have never been discussed or concepted, all due on April 1st.

But hey, he recently got me an unpaid intern that I have to manage!  When what I need is a peer...
  
I know I am super lucky to have a job paying me a living wage to just make assets in Photoshop all day.  I'm super lucky to have a job in my degree field at all, because I am not confident in my work and I'm scared of the industry.  I know I should just stop caring and just do the work, just half-ass whatever random thing he requests.  He's clearly not an artist, not someone who really values art, and will probably be just fine with everything I give him.   I could probably spend 5-6 hours a day working on "work" and the rest just working on my own stuff.  But I just can't.  I can barely work on this anymore, I just get distracted and frustrated and super depressed.

I hate my job.  I've been saying that for months.   I'm scared to talk to my boss.   On top of this working from home and living alone as an introvert has completely isolated me, leading to a deep depression.   I know I need to quit, but I'm terrified about what this says about me.  I'm scared that this means I can't be an artist or a game designer.  That I don't have what it takes, that I just can't put in the effort to be good at this, that following this path will only ever hurt me.  Do I even enjoy this?  Do I even want to be good at this?

Part of me really wants someone to come out and say "Just stop, you're not supposed to be an artist, go do IT or something."   Part of me wants to think the dilemma I'm having is proof that I am supposed to be an artist and I'm clearly passionate about Game Design.  I'm so torn over this.





TLDR; My "Dream Job" destroyed my life.

Sorry for the rant, I just want people's opinions or ideas or to know if anyone has a similar story and how they dealt with it.

Thanks for reading,
-Facto
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My "Dream Job" destroyed my life. - by FactofMyth - 02-24-2016, 12:11 PM

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