Waking up
Hi, it's been awhile since I was here. And now I feel finally comfortable to say I'm returning. 
For the past year I've had a pretty messy life full of ups and mostly downs. I moved to another city after finishing college, living away from my parents for the first time, started working for a studio as a 3D artist and worked freelance from home, struggled with health more than ever, but never felt pressure to push myself and get up so I can continue working again. And I lost almost all people I had by shutting myself in. It's been a hell of a year, but now it's finally calming down. 

After four full years of freelancing, where I didn't have a day off, I'm finally saying NO to all clients, and starting from next week, or at least end of this month, I will finish and stop all my client work apart from studio job. 

This will give me tons of free time after 8h work, and open opportunity to get myself awake again.
Constant work made me depressed, angry, frustrated and emotionless on times. And all of that is reflecting on health, so I am going to change that. I have hypothyreosis for years now, and it's worse than ever, developed several tumors on ovaries, have arrhythmia that runs in the family and serious depression issues (several suicidal episodes in past) that I never admitted. None of that feels like me, and I believe that I'll get rid of all of that by working on my mental state. Everything can be cured, everything can disappear. 

My goals for this year are:

- Paint personal stuff- have fun, paint your dreams and projects, feel the freedom again
- Do more traditional work- the feeling of drawing or painting on paper and canvas is irreplaceable and therapeutic
- Studies! Work on things you avoid working on- HANDS
- Stop client work- Learn how to say no! 

- Get healthy again! I'm eating mostly vegan food as my boyfriend is vegan, but this month I'm going gluten free to see how my body reacts. By the end of the year I'd love to become full vegetarian at least, as I don't feel comfortable eating meat anymore. (If you have some gluten free tips let me know)

- Start working out! I finally have a spark of strength to start slowly working out and recover. Next week we are starting.

- Start cooking blog- I know it sounds funny, but apart from art my biggest passion is cooking and making up my own recipes. I'd love to share them with others- they are mostly vegan and healthy but yummy.  Cooking has been my therapy aswell and I'd love to spread that love with others.

- Learn how to talk with people without fear. 

- Communicate with others more. 

- Learn how to say 'thank you for your time' instead of 'sorry for bothering'.
- Love myself, and be happy for who I am.

Thank you for your time and support. 

Hey Toxicpanda, sounds like you've had a really tough time of late, I just wanted to drop by and say that I wish you well and welcome back :).

Your goals sound great - I think finding joy in your art is the best reason for doing art at all and I totally agree about the therapeutic benefits of doing art with a real brush and canvas - it feels great! Especially when you finish up with a physical painting on a canvas :).

Good luck!

“Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.” -- H. Jackson Brown Jr.

CD Sketchbook

Great to see you back Toxicpanda!

I highly support your decision on working out. Judging from my own experience, it helped me defeat some cronic disease. Just make sure to do a research on what particular excercises might benefit you best and safety issues, if you're making your workout plan yourself.

And looking forward to see your art!

As for communicating, I think you meant real life, but feel free to pm me if you ever want to paint a bit together in Google hangouts :)

I don't know about these guys, but I, for one, support the cooking blog. Make Crimson Daggers great again!

It's debatable whether or not what you're trying to achieve is indeed impossible. One thing's for sure: it's impossible to defeat a person who doesn't know how to quit.
Yay finally I'll see some of your work. :D I always liked your personal stuff. I had no idea you've been going through so many bad things. But as I can see from this you are one strong lil person and I'm glad to see you found that little spark in you that will make you go on. ^^ Hell yea cooking blog. :D

Welcome back. <3

(btw, imam i ja problema s depresijom i sl stvarima... obicno o tome ne pricam... Mozda ce ti malo vise pomoc ako znas da ima jos ljudi sa slicnim problemom. ^^)

// Sketchbook // DeviantArt //

May the painting skills be with you! :3
I've had a "wonderful" opportunity to experience almost all the things you've mentioned, with some of them still unsolved.  I'm so, so sorry that you've had a shitty year. Some things will, unfortunately, never disappear. Some are only solvable with meds. But it's very, very important to address stress issues. It can make your life so much better if you try to tackle even just a few sources of stress.

What I've discovered through my struggles is that regular sleep schedule is a must, and so is eating balanced meals macronutrients-wise (at least trying to do so most of the time). I also try to walk (in parks or nature) every day - it really calms my mind. I still miss the riverside I used to live next to, tho. :/

Meditation also helps, and I also have my little chants every time I notice that I'm starting to panic (like: I can't know what will happen, even if something goes wrong I will know what to do when I see it, etc etc). Try not to force yourself into "all bubbles and joy" state, but try to start recognizing when your thoughts are your own enemy.

For example, I'm prone to architecting all kinds of impossible scenarios in my head, and most of scenarios contain people doing something mischievous behind my back. This is a product of my bad past experiences and I worked very hard on accepting that there is a possibility that it will never go away *completely*.

But, I also put some time into finding coping mechanisms which feel right for me. Sometimes it's as silly as saying the shiz I just told myself in my head outloud. It can make the thought feel funny and really out of place - as it is. Sometimes I use chants, sometimes I talk to a person I can trust for a minute or two. I also usually take some kind of strong~ish, calming scent with me, like cinammon, ginger, lavender...so I can just focus on the scent and count on it to put me back on the ground when my mind tries to begin "autodestroy" sequence. I started a scrapbook so I have a physical copy of all my good memories. It feels comforting to flip through it. Etc, etc. Every person has to find their own methods.

And remember: you are never, ever, and I really mean NEVER, a bother. It's hard to reach out in that kind of state. Things which were once simple like answering a message can now be a tiresome chore you put off for days. Not out of spite or something, but because you don't have the strength. I completely understand the feeling. But, when people are lonely, the stress only gets worse, too. :( 

You can always write to me, be it on insta, devart, Daggers... And I'm also there for an occasional walk when you're in Zg. Or we could just sit in silence next to the river or something if that suits you better. No pressure to do any of that ofc.

(To vrijedi i za tebe, stonedpanda!)

Never give up! <3  Sun


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