Fedodika the Koala

[John]

I mean, I do know the companies i could work for, but there's this looming feeling of "not good enough" in the back of my head. I know I won't always be too bad to work for them, but i just don't know what is realistic anymore.

If you're really wondering if you could work for them, put that feeling to the test. Reach the quality of work they're doing and give yourself an honest assessment if your work is at par with theirs. Maybe then you don't need to wonder as much and get some sort of resolve from that.

I might get a small commission once a month, so I guess I'm not that good, so we'll just keep grindin till then. Maybe the work that finds me will be what i like, who knows.

I think grinding is the least of your problems. I believe I've said before: you can work and there's no doubt about that. It's probably the lack of concrete vision where you're grinding towards to. You can always say you should draw from imagination, but there's no way of telling what's on paper is a one is to one representation of what's in your head.

Not saying you should never draw from imagination. But maybe, complement your current regimen with something where the exercise you're working towards to isn't as ambiguous. Like say, Bargue studies, Dorian Iten's accuracy training or value studies where the goal is to get as close as possible to the reference. Or do an accurate representation of some prominent artist's idea of the ideal anatomy (pick your poison, Loomis, Bridgman, you know the rest) to be done side by side with the regimen you currently have.

I know copying isn't your cup of tea, as you have mentioned in my SB. And it probably goes against your philosophy. But, it is, to some level, application. I can guarantee that you will be able to, at the very least, sharpen your observation and measuring skills that could pretty much go a long way, especially when dealing with proportions..