Computer Hiatus

[Fedodika]

Computer Hiatus,

So i've been in a very strange mood lately very... bitter is the best word i suppose (though i may not show it.) The internet is just this place that is full of people who take themselves too seriously, who can't take a joke even if it is glaring right at them. Deviantart in particular. But perhaps I'm projecting...

It's coming up to my 3rd year of taking art very very seriously, praciticing just about all hours of the day, but I've noticed my schedule has me darting around aimlessly just trying to figure out what to do next. I feel like the art I'm creating is... well there's just something wrong with it, and Will Terry talks about this in his "Why artists fail to get good feedback." 

My art is good but it's not "great" hence, it's not marketing itself; which is what essentially every artist wants. 

This, and i don't know why this in particular, has been the most frustrating period of anything in my life, and i usually keep things like this to myself. Maybe it could empathize with someone out there going through the same thing. 

I just seem to be going in this ultra repetitive day, wake up, check the web, eat, help my parents, bathe, eat lunch, work for a few hours, talk to my m8s, walk outside, work a few more hours (probably only being like 6 total,) Sleep, repeat. It's getting really... frightening i guess. I've been doing this for like 3 years and I need to break it in a radically different way. 

Since i don't really get any job offers (Aside from the three private clients who have contacted me,) I'm not really going to missing out on other clients more than likely. But this is just until maybe the middle of May, maybe a month or so. 

I find the more I look at commercial art the less i want to do it; and when you've invested probably close to 10000 hours of practice in the past 3 years that's a very very frightening feelings. I'm tired of feeling on edge about whether or not people like or comment on my work, and that is something i'm sure most artists fight with. I wanna  curse words to everyone who doesn't care, but unfortunately we have to rely on manners and professionalism, and that won't get me anywhere, (maybe it would but I haven't thought it through enough to risk it.)

I want to do something very different from commercial art, something that requires a bravery that i don't know if i have right now. Art that will really hurt people's feelings and challenge them, but in a virtuous way that inspires them to hold themselves to a higher standard peronally (not artistically, as all technically well executed art will do that anyways.) I just get tired of seeing the same old stuff everyday: Sci-fi helmet dude, misty mountains, fantasy dude, lingerie spellcaster chick; I did that recent piece of the Laser Cat thing as a satire of how absolutely vapid it all is. 

I need time to remember who it is I used to be, and try to remember how to be a human being (or koala). I want to bring you something fresh and exciting instead of something people just roll their eyes at or hit the X button or scroll past. So I'm gonna just take a month and figure all that out old school with no computer, with just books and pencil and paper.. romantic ain't it? 

I'll probably read the replies to this, but don't feel obliged to comfort me or anything; I'm not depressed, just frustrated, but I feel strong and positive. I want to be a public figure, I always have; I want to be rich and famous, and I always have, but for different reasons. I know I'm special, that one in a billion, i just have to prove it and well.. figure out what that means. 

So maybe for a month i won't use a computer at all, or have any access to the internet. And I'm not recommending anyone else do this, it's just for me; I don't give a flying one for starting any silly movements.

So have a g'day and keep viciously chasing your dreams, whatever they may be.