11-19-2014, 03:09 AM
Oh, Amit, I just had this insight and came back to read you writing about it :)
I think I figured out what broke me this year:
I was really trying to fix that thing that made my art awkward. I knew the search was going to be deep and scary and I wouldn't going to be back unscarred, but hopefully I would back from this crazy search.
Since anyone couldn't point out to me what was off about my art, I started firing in all directions; I tried new media. I tried styles, I ventured into spaces I never really liked working on to see if the answer was there. I double and triple checked my workflow. I went into the abstract realms of art and personal meaning and you have-to-be-interesting-as-a-person-or-your-art-will-suck and felt bad because I'm not interesting. I read about art movements, political agendas, I looked into people looking to have their special signature and getting into galleries. I have started teaching, and I have tried to make it as inclusive as possible. I discovered I'm still bad; My art is still in it's early years, thanks for being a slacker and a self-taught clueless being.
So here is the thing:
I was open for answers and suggestions. And people who offered their time to try and help never really understood/shared my goals. They were simple: I still want to get into spectrum. I still want a magic card with my name. Working on a D&D product would be amazing.
But for this people who helped me, those were "cheesy nostalgia things from the 80's", "you need to move own and find your voice", "write your own comic book!" and ugh, I had no inclination of doing any of that. But I felt wrong for not trying; And since I know no other way of doing this, I started researching all that. I tried to be open to stuff I'd call bullshit before. I tried to make sense of it. I have now read 5 books about writing your own comic book, lol.
I don't like doing stuff half-assedly, so I was studying. It's the only way I know.
So I'd try it after a while.
But yeah, I have assembled that influence map a couple of days ago. How can I say I don't know what I like? The thing is surprisingly cohesive; I do have a set taste, and I used to have a crystal clear focus.
I wanted to get into Spectrum.
Have that pesky card with my name on it.
I need skill to do both. The skill people were telling I already have but that is NOT TRUE.
But in the quest of making up for everything giving me tips, life advice, I started trying to please all them so it would feel I didn't throw their advice away.
I lost track of my goal and went into this misty swamp having no idea where to go.
Trying to please people IS NOT A GOAL, guys.
I went into this artsy thing where self expression is king, but like I said, no, I'm a painter. I'm lost into textures and light and projected shadows. Efficient brushstrokes and neatly organized layers, hours of labor and music and my tablet.
So yeah, I may never have a brand.
I may never have my name up in shiny coats of varnish in the front of the book because I'm the author and that is ok; If I can make this, people will have my images in posters on their walls and wonder what magic world if that painted on it, never wondering who did it. And that is enough; I can stay behind the curtain. This is my magic trick, I don't need to show how it's done.
So yeah, there you go.
I can finally answer that pesky question of "what you like?".
I like painting, I like creating illusions. And I'm going to do exactly that.
I think I figured out what broke me this year:
I was really trying to fix that thing that made my art awkward. I knew the search was going to be deep and scary and I wouldn't going to be back unscarred, but hopefully I would back from this crazy search.
Since anyone couldn't point out to me what was off about my art, I started firing in all directions; I tried new media. I tried styles, I ventured into spaces I never really liked working on to see if the answer was there. I double and triple checked my workflow. I went into the abstract realms of art and personal meaning and you have-to-be-interesting-as-a-person-or-your-art-will-suck and felt bad because I'm not interesting. I read about art movements, political agendas, I looked into people looking to have their special signature and getting into galleries. I have started teaching, and I have tried to make it as inclusive as possible. I discovered I'm still bad; My art is still in it's early years, thanks for being a slacker and a self-taught clueless being.
So here is the thing:
I was open for answers and suggestions. And people who offered their time to try and help never really understood/shared my goals. They were simple: I still want to get into spectrum. I still want a magic card with my name. Working on a D&D product would be amazing.
But for this people who helped me, those were "cheesy nostalgia things from the 80's", "you need to move own and find your voice", "write your own comic book!" and ugh, I had no inclination of doing any of that. But I felt wrong for not trying; And since I know no other way of doing this, I started researching all that. I tried to be open to stuff I'd call bullshit before. I tried to make sense of it. I have now read 5 books about writing your own comic book, lol.
I don't like doing stuff half-assedly, so I was studying. It's the only way I know.
So I'd try it after a while.
But yeah, I have assembled that influence map a couple of days ago. How can I say I don't know what I like? The thing is surprisingly cohesive; I do have a set taste, and I used to have a crystal clear focus.
I wanted to get into Spectrum.
Have that pesky card with my name on it.
I need skill to do both. The skill people were telling I already have but that is NOT TRUE.
But in the quest of making up for everything giving me tips, life advice, I started trying to please all them so it would feel I didn't throw their advice away.
I lost track of my goal and went into this misty swamp having no idea where to go.
Trying to please people IS NOT A GOAL, guys.
I went into this artsy thing where self expression is king, but like I said, no, I'm a painter. I'm lost into textures and light and projected shadows. Efficient brushstrokes and neatly organized layers, hours of labor and music and my tablet.
So yeah, I may never have a brand.
I may never have my name up in shiny coats of varnish in the front of the book because I'm the author and that is ok; If I can make this, people will have my images in posters on their walls and wonder what magic world if that painted on it, never wondering who did it. And that is enough; I can stay behind the curtain. This is my magic trick, I don't need to show how it's done.
So yeah, there you go.
I can finally answer that pesky question of "what you like?".
I like painting, I like creating illusions. And I'm going to do exactly that.