01-15-2015, 05:16 PM
If I'm going to post everything, I really, REALLY REAAALLLLY FUCKING want to acknowledge everything I'm feeling in the moment that I'm posting my art: I'm angry as hell and I want to hurt sooooo many fucking people; I am livid with anger and everything unholy; bequeathed with the loathing of each of our nighmare's fallen angels and drowned dreams all with the searing passion of a cataclysmic catastrophe that is more than capable of ending the fucking universe as we know it, turning it on its head and as a result of that, making humanity relive the very birth of existence before consciousness was even an object of reality.
In my willingness to exploit my shit art, okay art, and the ever so rare GOOD art, my present emotions will undoubtedly bleed through the pages. I don't agree with this new age method of the "online sketchbook" especially during this very claustrophobic, "time-death" portion of my life...
I need to work my stupid fast food job and work on my art. My parents basically said FUCK YOU DEVAN, YOU WORTHLESS LAZY WASTE OF SPACE and want me moved out in a place of my own June 1st. I am desperately trying to get at least some sort of fucking lousy art paid commission...a studio job even before I fucking start packing. If not, I will have to find a NEW fucking piece of shit, shit-job so I can afford to pay rent, which means I will have to undoubtedly put art goals and artistic endeavors on the all-the-way-the-fuck backest of the burners...if I'm working 40-50 hrs a week in a warehouse, that will really slow down everything; my ignorant ass parents would have effectively fucked me.
I am out of $5000 dollars because of THAT FUCKING WORTHLESS TRASH OF A MENTOR taking advantage of my desperation. Yes, I paid this bitch 5grand, which is my fault, but I was under so much fucking pressure from the atmosphere in my own home. After my accident, I had no way to commute to this dude's place for the private lessons...I asked if he could refund at least SOME of the money I paid him upfront (dumbass devan bitch) but he said it "wasn't in his power"
...
FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH. The money was directly deposited from my Chase Checking Account to HIS FUCKING CHASE CHECKINGS ACCOUNT.
Recently I got in an argument with my mother about studying and portfolio building; she said I was a "sad excuse of an artist if you don't have anything to show after a year and a half of 'honing your craft' " Negativity is an airborne disease in my home that is causing me to redefine what family means to me and my poor decisions made in haste taught me to fucking rely on MY OWN mettle and not to trust a damn being on this planet.
I hate showing my sketches online. I am definitely at my weakest mentally, so why in the hell would I further expose and create new wounds by revealing something as private as a sketchbook, for everyone to silently and openly judge DAILY?
...well, first of all I'm not stupid as I m emotional: in the future I know I will thank myself for it. Second of all, if anything DOES come from this very bleak point in my life, I can help others who are going through the same fucking thing.
BUT RIGHT NOW, I am angry and I really want everything to burn in hell
................................................................................................................................................
If I wake up at 10am on work days, I have approimately 3 hours MAX to study and work on my portfolio.
If I wake up at 7am, that gives me 5 hours MAX to study and work on my portfolio.
On my off days I can probably wake up at 10am, start drawing by 11:30am and work until 12am...obviously with break in between.
I have a nice method of going about this thing...it's just a shame that I can't truly enjoy seeing the pieces fall into place with my "eviction" looming on the horizon. A damn shame...
Time to get to bed so I can really reallly try to wake up early tomorrow...My last day off was Monday and my next day off is Monday LOL. laaawwwl: 4 more fucking days.
If it weren't for exercise, I would be a puddle of nothing. I would like to thank that shit for my unwavering commitment to this bitch; I am by NO. FUCKING. MEANS. DEMOTIVATED. So you can get that sentiment and shove it up your ass.
In my willingness to exploit my shit art, okay art, and the ever so rare GOOD art, my present emotions will undoubtedly bleed through the pages. I don't agree with this new age method of the "online sketchbook" especially during this very claustrophobic, "time-death" portion of my life...
I need to work my stupid fast food job and work on my art. My parents basically said FUCK YOU DEVAN, YOU WORTHLESS LAZY WASTE OF SPACE and want me moved out in a place of my own June 1st. I am desperately trying to get at least some sort of fucking lousy art paid commission...a studio job even before I fucking start packing. If not, I will have to find a NEW fucking piece of shit, shit-job so I can afford to pay rent, which means I will have to undoubtedly put art goals and artistic endeavors on the all-the-way-the-fuck backest of the burners...if I'm working 40-50 hrs a week in a warehouse, that will really slow down everything; my ignorant ass parents would have effectively fucked me.
I am out of $5000 dollars because of THAT FUCKING WORTHLESS TRASH OF A MENTOR taking advantage of my desperation. Yes, I paid this bitch 5grand, which is my fault, but I was under so much fucking pressure from the atmosphere in my own home. After my accident, I had no way to commute to this dude's place for the private lessons...I asked if he could refund at least SOME of the money I paid him upfront (dumbass devan bitch) but he said it "wasn't in his power"
...
FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH. The money was directly deposited from my Chase Checking Account to HIS FUCKING CHASE CHECKINGS ACCOUNT.
Recently I got in an argument with my mother about studying and portfolio building; she said I was a "sad excuse of an artist if you don't have anything to show after a year and a half of 'honing your craft' " Negativity is an airborne disease in my home that is causing me to redefine what family means to me and my poor decisions made in haste taught me to fucking rely on MY OWN mettle and not to trust a damn being on this planet.
I hate showing my sketches online. I am definitely at my weakest mentally, so why in the hell would I further expose and create new wounds by revealing something as private as a sketchbook, for everyone to silently and openly judge DAILY?
...well, first of all I'm not stupid as I m emotional: in the future I know I will thank myself for it. Second of all, if anything DOES come from this very bleak point in my life, I can help others who are going through the same fucking thing.
BUT RIGHT NOW, I am angry and I really want everything to burn in hell
................................................................................................................................................
If I wake up at 10am on work days, I have approimately 3 hours MAX to study and work on my portfolio.
If I wake up at 7am, that gives me 5 hours MAX to study and work on my portfolio.
On my off days I can probably wake up at 10am, start drawing by 11:30am and work until 12am...obviously with break in between.
I have a nice method of going about this thing...it's just a shame that I can't truly enjoy seeing the pieces fall into place with my "eviction" looming on the horizon. A damn shame...
Time to get to bed so I can really reallly try to wake up early tomorrow...My last day off was Monday and my next day off is Monday LOL. laaawwwl: 4 more fucking days.
If it weren't for exercise, I would be a puddle of nothing. I would like to thank that shit for my unwavering commitment to this bitch; I am by NO. FUCKING. MEANS. DEMOTIVATED. So you can get that sentiment and shove it up your ass.