08-25-2015, 08:43 AM
@ Kurt: Yeah I definitely do have people I love and connect with on a deeper mutual level. Maybe a handful, up to 10 in total. Because I have traveled quite a lot most of them are all over the globe so I don't see many as often as I would like.
That's not to say there aren't hundreds or thousands of potentials out there, but I have generally not been one to go seeking it, so I stumble onto them whenever I get out or am forced out of my cave. I met them through university, work, workshops, it's random.
One thing is common though and that is that you definitely have to get out of solitude occasionally if you want to meet people. So that is the first thing to start doing if you are not.
To use what Adam was getting at, this whole "social awkwardness" thing, probably isn't an innate inability to be social, unless you are autistic or something along those lines. It probably means you lack confidence and might be a bit too worried about being yourself in front of people.
Maybe you also don't really understand the typical social rituals involved. They aren't always intuitive!
Social norms and group behaviour are incredibly powerful, and have developed to keep us all in line and predictable in general society, but often they are arbitrary and counter-intuitive, sometimes just downright dumb. This can lead to more mental anxiety than is necessary. Have you ever tried to sit at a crowded bar, where everyone is being social and in groups, but you are the only one there on your own? Maybe you are waiting for friends. The pressure to look like you are "DOING SOMETHING" and look like you are busy is incredibly strong. You don't want to look like some weird loner dickhead. And yet if you were at home just sitting on your own none of that anxiety would be there at all. It's all in our mind, due to what the norms of the situation are dictating to us. We have been taught to be very self-conscious. Think of why the meme of everyone staring into their phones is so prevalent these days. We are distracting ourselves from that anxiety of being self-conscious
I am a firm believer that no matter what the situation you have to be totally aware of yourself and your own feelings and be comfortable in yourself and your own being first! Much anxiety also comes from our perceived status, and trying to please others. I think as well as getting out there more, you should practice being calmer within yourself.
When you do find yourself in a socially pressured situation, just remember to focus on your breath and breathe deeply. As Adam said, focus on the present moment, look around you and just observe for a moment what is going on without judging anything about it. It really can have a powerful calming effect.
You don't have to be the "weirdo" meditating and staring into space in the corner either. You can do it for microseconds at a time. It is like a re-centering of your mind. It does take "practice" for sure.
Being social is also a learned process, it isn't innate, so being able to deal with it also requires practice. If you don't practice, you won't "improve". In general don't try and please anybody or try and seek out specific things that you wished the conversation would go to. Be as open and flexible as you can be, you never know where things will go until they do. With "practice" you can decide if you want to keep going with any particular interaction, but most importantly just be your authentic self. This is the best thing and most honest thing to learn to do.
You have to learn to be ok with being yourself.
That's not to say there aren't hundreds or thousands of potentials out there, but I have generally not been one to go seeking it, so I stumble onto them whenever I get out or am forced out of my cave. I met them through university, work, workshops, it's random.
One thing is common though and that is that you definitely have to get out of solitude occasionally if you want to meet people. So that is the first thing to start doing if you are not.
To use what Adam was getting at, this whole "social awkwardness" thing, probably isn't an innate inability to be social, unless you are autistic or something along those lines. It probably means you lack confidence and might be a bit too worried about being yourself in front of people.
Maybe you also don't really understand the typical social rituals involved. They aren't always intuitive!
Social norms and group behaviour are incredibly powerful, and have developed to keep us all in line and predictable in general society, but often they are arbitrary and counter-intuitive, sometimes just downright dumb. This can lead to more mental anxiety than is necessary. Have you ever tried to sit at a crowded bar, where everyone is being social and in groups, but you are the only one there on your own? Maybe you are waiting for friends. The pressure to look like you are "DOING SOMETHING" and look like you are busy is incredibly strong. You don't want to look like some weird loner dickhead. And yet if you were at home just sitting on your own none of that anxiety would be there at all. It's all in our mind, due to what the norms of the situation are dictating to us. We have been taught to be very self-conscious. Think of why the meme of everyone staring into their phones is so prevalent these days. We are distracting ourselves from that anxiety of being self-conscious
I am a firm believer that no matter what the situation you have to be totally aware of yourself and your own feelings and be comfortable in yourself and your own being first! Much anxiety also comes from our perceived status, and trying to please others. I think as well as getting out there more, you should practice being calmer within yourself.
When you do find yourself in a socially pressured situation, just remember to focus on your breath and breathe deeply. As Adam said, focus on the present moment, look around you and just observe for a moment what is going on without judging anything about it. It really can have a powerful calming effect.
You don't have to be the "weirdo" meditating and staring into space in the corner either. You can do it for microseconds at a time. It is like a re-centering of your mind. It does take "practice" for sure.
Being social is also a learned process, it isn't innate, so being able to deal with it also requires practice. If you don't practice, you won't "improve". In general don't try and please anybody or try and seek out specific things that you wished the conversation would go to. Be as open and flexible as you can be, you never know where things will go until they do. With "practice" you can decide if you want to keep going with any particular interaction, but most importantly just be your authentic self. This is the best thing and most honest thing to learn to do.
You have to learn to be ok with being yourself.