01-15-2015, 02:15 PM
Hi! I joined Crimson Daggers today because I felt terrible today, after seven years of struggling with art, and I realized I couldn't do this by myself anymore. This thread makes my heart sing and I am relieved that I made a good decision in joining.
I have let fear rule pretty much every bit of my life. But the place where it is the worst is in my art- in this perfectionism that I have. I have some big personality faults that trip me up. I'm vain, but shy at the same time. My ego is so delicate and so immense at the same time and this is seriously causing problems for me.
When I went to college in 2006, I was too afraid to move away from my family and be on my own so I only applied to one school. Money was also a factor, but I chose the school I went to because I was too unsure of my own abilities to try anything on my own. The art program in that school was good for teaching art history and it was encouraging, but I was told that my technical skills were already above that which they could teach and it was true. My ego swelled. I was the big fish in the itty bitty tiny squishy pond. And then I graduated and I knew I was going into the big pond where I was the little fish and the fear crushed me.
I know I need to sketch daily, but I spent so much time looking at amazing artist work that I'm too afraid to pick up a pencil and sketch. I can't hold myself to it.
I'm worried that I am 26 and I haven't done anything with my life- I'm working part time as a janitor at a homeless facility and the hours when I am supposed to be doing my art I find myself doing things that are falsely productive- looking up "references" or "researching" when I would probably do myself a better service by putting out what I already know and then going back and trying to fix it.
And now I am trying to catch up where my skills are lacking. And I am seriously lacking. I've pretty much taught myself everything I know about art from books and observation, but I have to rely on reference. I cannot trust myself and I get so depressed when another day passes and like you all have said- the clock keeps ticking and I am in the same place.
I am trying to do better this year- my goal is to get a portfolio together for once and to try to create a routine that will foster discipline and productivity but so far I have not done as well as I would like and I beat the hell out of myself for it.
I try to keep reminders around for myself- "be patient, be present with what you are doing, no false productivity," etc, etc, but I am just not having much luck.
I know I won't give up- I've come this far, I might as well go all the way, but I just can't stand this cycle of good intentions and then my behaviour spoils it all.
I'm rambling, but what I really want to say is that along with other sources like james victore's burning questions and certain books like comfortable with uncertainy by Pema Chödrön, I can see that you all will be like a lifeline to me and I want to say thank you.
Day one and this place already rocks!
I have let fear rule pretty much every bit of my life. But the place where it is the worst is in my art- in this perfectionism that I have. I have some big personality faults that trip me up. I'm vain, but shy at the same time. My ego is so delicate and so immense at the same time and this is seriously causing problems for me.
When I went to college in 2006, I was too afraid to move away from my family and be on my own so I only applied to one school. Money was also a factor, but I chose the school I went to because I was too unsure of my own abilities to try anything on my own. The art program in that school was good for teaching art history and it was encouraging, but I was told that my technical skills were already above that which they could teach and it was true. My ego swelled. I was the big fish in the itty bitty tiny squishy pond. And then I graduated and I knew I was going into the big pond where I was the little fish and the fear crushed me.
I know I need to sketch daily, but I spent so much time looking at amazing artist work that I'm too afraid to pick up a pencil and sketch. I can't hold myself to it.
I'm worried that I am 26 and I haven't done anything with my life- I'm working part time as a janitor at a homeless facility and the hours when I am supposed to be doing my art I find myself doing things that are falsely productive- looking up "references" or "researching" when I would probably do myself a better service by putting out what I already know and then going back and trying to fix it.
And now I am trying to catch up where my skills are lacking. And I am seriously lacking. I've pretty much taught myself everything I know about art from books and observation, but I have to rely on reference. I cannot trust myself and I get so depressed when another day passes and like you all have said- the clock keeps ticking and I am in the same place.
I am trying to do better this year- my goal is to get a portfolio together for once and to try to create a routine that will foster discipline and productivity but so far I have not done as well as I would like and I beat the hell out of myself for it.
I try to keep reminders around for myself- "be patient, be present with what you are doing, no false productivity," etc, etc, but I am just not having much luck.
I know I won't give up- I've come this far, I might as well go all the way, but I just can't stand this cycle of good intentions and then my behaviour spoils it all.
I'm rambling, but what I really want to say is that along with other sources like james victore's burning questions and certain books like comfortable with uncertainy by Pema Chödrön, I can see that you all will be like a lifeline to me and I want to say thank you.
Day one and this place already rocks!