Crackbook

[Bookend]

I hate myself sometimes. I remember really pushing myself 2 years ago when I started, I did get frustrated a lot more about the results of my art which made it even harder to work. I recall being way more dutiful and hardworking and how good it felt at the end of the day once I had done over 10 hours of work. I remember watching the old Dan Warren streams that mentioned how much you gotta practice to make it in the industry and seeing multiple forum posts geared towards hard-work mentality. The 2 times I consistently worked hard was the summer of 2013 and the first 2 months of school in 2013. Both ended in a burnout, but that was because I had'nt learned to not be frustrated with the resulting artwork.
And now? What of this summer? I did a mere fraction of the work I could have done, I barely broke a sweat which is even more puzzling since I dont get frustrated by bad results now. Perhaps me being frustrated caused me to push myself harder, or maybe its just that my discipline has regressed to nothingness. Maybe I subconsciously feel like my art has reached adequate quality for the time I put in and theres no need to rush, since theres plenty of time left once I go fulltime freelance. Consciously I think thats bullshit. Ive been contemplating moving to a better apartment, when I go to school again, which would force me to work more, since I would run out of money otherwise, but it seems too risky. I wish I had that initial drive and dutifulness back, in all the ways Ive improved over the past, this is the one way Ive regressed.

TL;TR: how do I get my initial sense of duty back?


Ps: Even after writing all that self depreciating stuff I dont feel bothered at all. I mean, I should be mad, or disheartened by it, but I dont feel that way. Is there such a thing as being too carefree about oneself?

I think we've all been there, and/or have varying bouts of being there. 

I don't think there's an easy solution-- But, for me at least, I think a lot of it is ego. 

Sometimes I gotta force myself to swallow it and just keep working.  To focus on producing the best quality studies/work.  Not to think about rushing it, or producing quantity, but just focusing on the retaining of what I'm doing.  Not to let myself overthink, or even just think about it, really.  Because when I look at the results and let myself think about what's missing, I miss the fact that it's a process, and not a result.

The hardest hurdle for me to jump has been to draw what I'm studying, but without looking.  In theory, it seemed like a chore, but when I actually did it, even half-heartedly, I was surprised at how well I did...   Then I did it and just 'let go', and went wholly into it.

And then it was like when you're a kid and your parents are chasing you around trying to get you to take a bath.  When they finally get you in, you refuse to come out for hours, y'know?  haha.

But, it can still be a pain to get started.  To have the initiative to do what you need to do.  My best advice is to just start, even with the intention of doing it for just 5 minutes.  Then you'll find out if you're in the bath or not, haha. 

Good luck, though.  Your work is looking great, man.  You have improved, even if you don't see it at the moment.