08-10-2016, 08:16 PM
(08-10-2016, 07:01 AM)Markus Creation Wrote: Nice crossbows! And I like very much the knights and dragon on the first page of your sketchbook! The dragon attack is awesome.
What did you learn through studying metal armors of knights, can you remember some epiphanys? I want to do metal studies and armor in the near future, so maybe you have some insights from back then?
Hey Markus, thanks! Erm well those are all pretty damn old now.. xD I didn't have any "epiphany" but I guess one thing you learn by doing these is how an armor works and that it can be a very reflective material (so lots of blues when your subject is outside on a clear day).. You should definitely study armor, it's challenging and fun!
So! Today I thought I'd post a few little things I've been doing recently.. nothing fancy but.. slowly coming back to life. :) A few quickies and a WIP (the lizard lady).
OK.
To be honest, I've been dealing with a bad depression since January. I said it. It's slowly getting more stable and I can live my life more normally again now. :) It's been a very tough fight, one I don't wish to anyone, but it was time for me to dig out some old demons of mine and get to know myself fully. That's why I haven't been able to do much art this year. The state I was in prevented me from even doing the very one thing I love.. It took all my energy, all my natural exhilaration away and locked it in a safe. I tried everything, didn't understand what was happening the first months.. and then when I realized I was sick, it first felt like a terrible failure. I also broke up and left a relationship I had given all my energy to and felt like it was another failure again. But eventually I understood there was no failure in any of those. I've started letting myself "be a human", let my scars show more and I'm now learning to let go of very strict behavioral "rules" I've been trying to live by all my youth. It's been like the ground I thought was underneath my feet fell apart and I had to survive floating in darkness and emptiness, my old "gods" shattered by myself.
Now I can feel my exhilaration, ma joie de vivre, as we say in french, coming back and I can be much more like myself again and I draw and start to paint again. But the war isn't over yet. I know I still have a long way to go but I'm holding on and keeping my head up. The best I can do while others thrive in happiness and improve like crazy at art is to make the best out of my worst. Learn all I can about me, who I am, what I want and need, where I want to go. Face my demons, my schemes, my illness, see myself entirely and be there for me, whatever happens.
I hope this rant didn't bore you, but I feel like people rarely talk about their depression while they're still fighting it. It's only success stories. Because they're ashamed and because most people who read it will get "scared" and walk away and don't want to know about these things.
Anyway. All I want to say to anyone who's in a dark place now, who's got that fucked up blizzard in their life, that "fog" in their heads, covering their eyes... YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. You're not the only one and there is no such thing as being "normal". Don't compare yourself to others and just be you. Learn to be kind to yourself and treat others well. You are never alone. Don't ever quit. Don't give up. If you hear me, I'm holding your hand tightly in my mind. <3 Hold on.
