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Hey everyone! I decided to enter this CC. It sounds soooooo cool. Not going to lie I feel so intimidated by all of you guys amazing WIP threads. But im going to enter anyway. This CC is quite a challenge to me, I have always struggled with making a story that ties together well. I am going to try anyway, and crits are always welcome!
I started things off by writing a quick script and some mind maps. Just to get some ideas, and then I figured out some compositions and panel layouts.
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Great start! I love how your characters are looking already! I like the way your story is going but it feels like it's not quite a punchline yet, like there could be some kind of twist, or messing with the readers expectations. Just a couple thoughts anyway - and admittedly I don't know if 'corpulent wiener' has some kind of innuendo meaning in USA or something that I'm missing, so maybe it's already fine ^^ Looking forward to seeing this one develop ^^
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(06-13-2016, 05:40 AM)JyonnyNovice Wrote: Great start! I love how your characters are looking already! I like the way your story is going but it feels like it's not quite a punchline yet, like there could be some kind of twist, or messing with the readers expectations. Just a couple thoughts anyway - and admittedly I don't know if 'corpulent wiener' has some kind of innuendo meaning in USA or something that I'm missing, so maybe it's already fine ^^ Looking forward to seeing this one develop ^^
Thanks Jyonny, appreciate the feedback. Yeh, I agree with the punchline. still working on it :/ Yeh I wasn't sure on the whole corpulent wiener thing as well, haha. It could be taken ether way I guess. I will just do some more research on it. I could always change it slightly. but thanks for the feedback!
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If it is an innuendo thing, you could make the customer a fat lady instead of a man, or go further still and make it ambiguous whether it's some kind of brothel or something.
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(06-13-2016, 06:05 AM)JyonnyNovice Wrote: If it is an innuendo thing, you could make the customer a fat lady instead of a man, or go further still and make it ambiguous whether it's some kind of brothel or something.
Ahhh.... yeh thats a good idea. I will do some more experiments. Thanks for the feedback! definitely got me thinking.
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OH MAN. I love those hot dog people. This is great. i'm curious to see all the dialogue, but it seems to be working alright to me at the moment.
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(06-14-2016, 12:36 AM)TwilightExplode Wrote: OH MAN. I love those hot dog people. This is great. i'm curious to see all the dialogue, but it seems to be working alright to me at the moment.
Thanks! Yeh, im still trying to play around with the dialogue. Im glad its working for you!
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Made some changes, i'm still not sure if the story works. I like the idea, but I don't know if I executed it well enough to be understood. what do you think?
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haha awesome, makes my skin crawl! those character designs are so great! I think the story is understandable, great job ^^
Just one thing I would critique is the dialogue in the first panel. The first guy at any rate,it feels a bit unnatural. I get that you are trying to get the 'restaurant' and 'cum' and the 'brothel' from the other guy to assist the ambiguity but it feels like the first guy is saying too much, cramming too much of the setup all by himself.
Some options could be something like:
Guy 1: "Ah, here we are! The 'name of restaurant'!"
Guy 2: "Looks like a brothel..."
or
Guy 1: "Here we are! I'm glad you decided to 'cum' with me."
Guy 2: "This is a restaurant?"
Guy 3: "Looks like a brothel..."
Think about how the situation of just walking in somewhere, the waiter or whoever would be already approaching them so they wouldn't have the chance to say more than a sentence or a few words each. You want the setup to come through naturally to the reader, as if they sort of figured it out themselves, with just enough cues from you - makes the reader feel more involved.
Just some thoughts anyway : )
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(06-14-2016, 04:19 AM)JyonnyNovice Wrote: haha awesome, makes my skin crawl! those character designs are so great! I think the story is understandable, great job ^^
Just one thing I would critique is the dialogue in the first panel. The first guy at any rate,it feels a bit unnatural. I get that you are trying to get the 'restaurant' and 'cum' and the 'brothel' from the other guy to assist the ambiguity but it feels like the first guy is saying too much, cramming too much of the setup all by himself.
Some options could be something like:
Guy 1: "Ah, here we are! The 'name of restaurant'!"
Guy 2: "Looks like a brothel..."
or
Guy 1: "Here we are! I'm glad you decided to 'cum' with me."
Guy 2: "This is a restaurant?"
Guy 3: "Looks like a brothel..."
Think about how the situation of just walking in somewhere, the waiter or whoever would be already approaching them so they wouldn't have the chance to say more than a sentence or a few words each. You want the setup to come through naturally to the reader, as if they sort of figured it out themselves, with just enough cues from you - makes the reader feel more involved.
Just some thoughts anyway : ) Thanks so much Jyonny! Yeh, I had a bit of trouble with that specific characters dialogue, I was trying to establish the scene, whilst at the same time adding context. But yeh, I think I went a bit overboard. I will play around with it and make it seem more natural and fluent. I also wanted to push the creep factor in the way he was speaking but I don't think I quite nailed it. thanks for the advise though, appreciate it!
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I made a few changes here and there. Changed the dialogue to make it more natural and open ended. I also changed the 4th panel so it flowed a bit better. I've been trying out some inking today, just as a little test.
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awesome, much better ^^ just wondering if you need to say corpulent wiener in the last panel? feels a bit like it's there to justify the title, but I don't think it needs justifying since the subject is pretty clear. Feels like something typically lewd could work better 'yea you know you love it' or whatever (or something funnier). Just my thoughts again, feel free to ignore anything I add, it's all subjective ^^
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I have a question about the story....are they sausages themselves, and the patron is feeding sausages to them? Or are they getting fed to people? I don't really get it. love the style and linework, but yeah, nail that story man.
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(06-14-2016, 11:57 AM)JyonnyNovice Wrote: awesome, much better ^^ just wondering if you need to say corpulent wiener in the last panel? feels a bit like it's there to justify the title, but I don't think it needs justifying since the subject is pretty clear. Feels like something typically lewd could work better 'yea you know you love it' or whatever (or something funnier). Just my thoughts again, feel free to ignore anything I add, it's all subjective ^^
Yeh, I will probably change that last part. yeh, I kinda put it in if the viewer wasn't sure of the context. But now that I read it it seems way too unatural. Thanks for the feedback again Jyonny.
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(06-14-2016, 01:52 PM)Amit Dutta Wrote: I have a question about the story....are they sausages themselves, and the patron is feeding sausages to them? Or are they getting fed to people? I don't really get it. love the style and linework, but yeah, nail that story man.
Hey Amit! yeh, the three characters on the first panel are supposed to be wieners. and the main character is feeding wieners to the customers. I can see why it is a bit confusing because the main characters are sausages, and the customers are being fed sausages. but the main characters aren't getting fed to the customers... now that I think about it, it's pretty confusing. I will try some things out to make it more clear. thanks man!
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thought I should try another prompt for the comic page. I had an idea which seemed cool in my head. So I decided to draw it out. I seems much clearer than the other comic page, imo.
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Trying out a different story, just testing things out. But I think I prefer this one. It feels more natural to me.
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quick progress update! been doing alot of iterations on the top panel, I wasn't happy with it before. but I am now, I was also trying to figure out what the second character was doing in the top panel. Hence the multiple head sketches. I still need to put in some speech bubbles on the top panel.
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the characters are looking fantastic, reminds me of some of the team fortress 2 concept art. Really great job on those : )
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